Dating is too often a part of our lives filled with anxiety and stress. Dating Coach and author of The Automatic 2nd Date Victorya Rogers says her dating secrets can remove that stress and help any woman transform her dating experience. Here are some of her dating tips:
Your new book offers a unique dating approach. Why focus so much on getting a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: If you can’t get past the first date, you won’t be booking a honeymoon anytime soon. The sad thing is ladies who would really be great catches are just blowing it and scaring their dates away by making silly, careless mistakes on their first dates—like talking too much, obsessing on exes, talking about marriage, calling the guy before or after the first date. If they just tweak a few of their dating behaviors, they can transform their dating life without changing who they are! If these secrets become a habit, you can stop stressing about first dates and focus on your man and deciding if HE is the great catch and worth your time. When you do that, 2nd dates become automatic.
How can one back on the dating scene after a long absence adopt this hopeful attitude?
VICTORYA: Before you jump back into the world of dating allow yourself time to heal and reflect on where you’ve been. What was missing in your past love life? This is your season to really make it all about you. Love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted! If you’re a single mom, obviously you need to seriously consider the needs of your children. But you also have to take care of you and come up with what you really want in a relationship before you start dating again. If you don’t know what you want then you’ll just date whoever takes notice and most likely that is was your problem in the past. You are valuable deserve to have a great relationship. But you have to believe that and know to recognize him when is comes along!
You say every woman has an internal “Male GPS.” What is it and how do we use it?
VICTORYA: Available men are everywhere -- at the drive-thru, at work, at school, at church, at restaurants, at the mall, the gas station, sporting events, etc. You just have to know what you’re looking for and believe he exists. The Male GPS –male global positioning satellite—is in your mind. Your mind is an extremely power instrument that is always working and wants to be right! When you think about something enough, amazingly it seems to begin appearing everywhere you go. Let’s talk cars as an example. If you want that new blue Honda SUV, of course you believe it exists and it’s on your mind so it suddenly stands out every time one drives by. Just like thinking of your next car, think about what kind of guy you want.
The key to finding your next 1st date begins with your mind. You can instantly turn on your internal MALE GPS by figuring out specifically what you’re looking for in a guy, visualizing a man with those traits and believing he exists.
In Automatic 2nd Date you list many unique places to meet men. Tell us a few.
VICTORYA: I advise skipping bars and clubs and just plunging yourself into the social world around you—be it at your church, country club, charity, or a special-interest group at your community center. As you interact with more and more people, you will automatically find yourself around — and introduced to — available men.
You say the three-second flirt is a great way to get noticed. How does it work?
VICTORYA: FLIRT with him! Find someone who catches your eye? I have a lot of dating tips in The Automatic 2nd Date. One of them is to make sure you catch his eye. Eye contact is huge! Next time you’re in a “target rich environment of potential dates, slowly scan the room with calm, soft eyes, resting your eyes briefly on any man who captures your attention, then casually glance for a bare ring finger. If the finger is bare, lock into a gaze for your three-second flirt... Add a slight smile or grin, and then casually look away. You can repeat it several times to get your point across if you’d like. Just any longer than 5 second glance at a time borders creepy.
Are there any definite “First Date Don’ts” to ensure a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: Oh my, there are definitely some First Date Don’ts! 1st dates are about holding back. Use RESTAINT and self control across the board if you want your first date to become a 2nd date. That goes for whatever you say and whatever you do. Here are my top 7 Don’ts for First Dates.
--Don’t dress sleazy
--Don’t talk too much
--Don’t go off on past relationships
--Don’t reveal hatred for the male species
--Don’t expose enormous debt
--Don’t tell him he’s THE ONE
And definitely
--Don’t put out on that first date!
The first date is over. Now what? Does The Automatic 2nd Date offer advice on what to do AFTER the date? Such as can you call or text your date the next day to thank him?
VICTORYA: When the first date is over, just relax and go on with your life, no matter how much you are into your new man. Do NOT call or text your date before he contacts you! Sure you can and should thank him at the end of the date, but no need for a follow-up thank you unless HE sends you a thank you gift. (Even if your romantic date was as incredible as a ride in a helicopter to see the lights of downtown, it is in your best interest NOT to call him the next day. If he’s treating you like that, you certainly don’t want to scare him away by chasing HIM.
What would you say to someone who went on a date, thought everything was perfect, yet never received a call back for a second date?
VICTORYA: If you haven’t heard back from your date within a couple of weeks, even if you were convinced it went wonderfully, think back about that evening. Did you really have anything in common? Did you talk too much about yourself? Did you “go too far” physically to the extent that you felt a little guilty the next day? Did you act too needy, too pushy, too bossy, too snotty or too boring? If any of this is the case, your date may have been scared away and wouldn’t tell you even if you asked. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though; just let it go. It was only one date and if he’s gone, that person wasn’t meant for you. At least by reviewing it honestly in your mind, you may be able to learn what to do on your next first date.
How does a confident single gal survive a dateless Valentine’s Day or any regular “date night” for that matter?
VICTORYA: There are great ways to spend a dateless Valentines or traditional “date night” that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping! Here are 4 quick tips:
1. On Valentine’s Day you have permission to do something to spoil yourself a little. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Get a French manicure or new hairstyle, color or cut; indulge in a massage or facial, or buy yourself SOMETHING just for you--just don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
2. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around?
3. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce on what did and didn’t work in your previous love life. Share funny dating stories, dating horror stories and warm fuzzy dating stories. In the very least you’ll have a good laugh with your girlfriends. End the evening by having each girlfriend write out exactly what you definitely want in your ideal mate, that way you’ll recognize him when he shows up!
4. My last solo Valentine idea is to grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movie theatre. After all Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.
Do you have a website or blog with any of these tips for our audience to check out?
VICTORYA: Yes, my website has a lot of additional tips and advice for single women! Check it out-- it’s www.mantokeep.com. You can also order my books and learn about my coaching program. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and take risks. There is so much information I’d love to impart to you to make dating less anxiety filled, so feel free to visit my site anytime and/or check out my book The Automatic 2nd Date.
Meet the Author:
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author The Automatic 2nd Date
From no dates to being pursued by an Academy Award winner, rock star, gospel singer, doctor, policeman, athlete and more, this former Hollywood agent went on more than 100 first dates with 98% of them asking her out for a second! She has dating down to a science and enjoys teaching that science to her audience. During her single years, Rogers spent over a decade as a Hollywood agent. She also taught 3 years at UCLA.
With a bachelor's from Cal. State University at Long Beach and a master's degree from Fuller Theological Seminary, this motivational speaker/dating coach has been happily married for 10 years to Will, one of her automatic 2nd dates and definitely her man worth keeping. They have two precious children live in a suburb of Dallas.
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